I've been blessed with today and yesterday's encouragements to think about rejection, privilege, desire and the chase.
Last night I had one of those haunting dreams again--not because it was scary, though it did leave lingering sensations--but mostly because I've had it before in a different way, or at least I think I have. It was a dream about kissing M W. That's all I wanted to do. We were on a vacation or something and staying at my parents' house somewhere that is vacation-y (Bolivia?) and I wanted nothing more than to kiss M W. He didn't seem interested and yet, when I was saying goodbye I rubbed my face against his course stubble, and really wanted to kiss him, but that didn't happen. He kept saying no and would not let my lips make contact with his.
Rejection. It's one of those things we feel so strongly, make a lasting impression on us, and we simultaneously avoid at all costs.
If I were to go into all of the negative things that I feel about myself that would warrant rejection it would be a long rabbit hole. Though perhaps that's a space I need to dwell in for a bit.
First of all, I certainly reject my body. It's not in the form or shape I think is desirable right now. It's not what I want it to look like, or that I know it can look like. And in the grand scheme of things, yes, I'm a little overweight and yes, I would look "better" a bit trimmed down. But it's really not that bad. I don't think I'm obese. I just happen to wear a size 14 instead of a 10.
Also, this indicates a preference for a specific physical body type which is perhaps problematic. I know that my whole life I've been sold the story that a thinner, leaner body is what we should aim for but does that mean that we should necessarily reject our curves, extra layers, or that if we fall outside of that category of a desired physical state that we're suddenly unattractive?
Seeking attraction definitely has to do with how I feel about my search for a partner. Julie asked me an important question yesterday--what am I after? What am I chasing?
She was referring to the young men that I'm messing around with and honestly, that's a good question. What am I after? I think perhaps part of the chase is having them validate my attraction or my sexual abilities. Jacob did this a lot for me when we were together but now I'm seeking other confirmation. And seeking for folks to be attracted to my sexuality. Jimmy, Joe, and yes, still Jacob. I guess this is something that's gotten away from me. Because I can recognize and personally validate my own sexuality and recognize that it's a powerful thing and that I am sexually desirable and attractive. I don't need men (or boys) to validate that for me. But I still seek it. Like I need to have them treat me like I'm attractive or describe or show how desirable I am so that I know it's true. When honestly, I should just know it's true.
Are there ways of getting to the validation/affirmation of ourselves without needing others that builds strength and what I suppose would look like a foundation of love for ourselves?
Perhaps this is part of the search. What would demonstrating love for myself look like?
Since I've been talking about this this morning with Matt, I also mentioned validation of intelligence, innovation, and inspiration. Also, we want to know that we can support others.
No Doubt, there is a lunar eclipse this Saturday!
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