Summer Blues

It's the middle of the summer and just about time for my yearly bout of depression.

Fortunately, there is good news on the horizon.
I've gotten into a graduate program starting in the fall and will be going to Bolivia for a month this summer. I did both of those completely on my own.  I'm pretty excited about both.

But my heart is weighed down.

I have decided to walk away from something that doesn't serve me to any extent. It's a bit heart wrenching and difficult but clearly better for me in the long and short-term. It's Tom.

He doesn't have my best interest in mind, doesn't care about me and is not capable of being the partner I deserve. I'm wishing I had never met him. And honestly, once he returns my earrings to me, I might just block him and never speak to him again. It's probably the best route to go.

It's disappointing. But honestly, I shouldn't have expected it to work out at all. He's a self-absorbed workaholic. He's not ready to be a giving partner and it's useless for me to be that towards him.  He doesn't deserve it, and I deserve much more.

I'm excited about this transition into activities that are worth my investment. And though it's heart-achy to step away from something I had hope for, it seems far better to step away now than to consistently have my heart trampled on with no regard.

On to greener pastures.

Rejection, Anticipation, Desire and what it all means

I've been blessed with today and yesterday's encouragements to think about rejection, privilege, desire and the chase.

Last night I had one of those haunting dreams again--not because it was scary, though it did leave lingering sensations--but mostly because I've had it before in a different way, or at least I think I have. It was a dream about kissing M W.  That's all I wanted to do.  We were on a vacation or something and staying at my parents' house somewhere that is vacation-y (Bolivia?) and I wanted nothing more than to kiss M W. He didn't seem interested and yet, when I was saying goodbye I rubbed my face against his course stubble, and really wanted to kiss him, but that didn't happen. He kept saying no and would not let my lips make contact with his.

Rejection. It's one of those things we feel so strongly, make a lasting impression on us, and we simultaneously avoid at all costs.

If I were to go into all of the negative things that I feel about myself that would warrant rejection it would be a long rabbit hole. Though perhaps that's a space I need to dwell in for a bit.

First of all, I certainly reject my body.  It's not in the form or shape I think is desirable right now. It's not what I want it to look like, or that I know it can look like.  And in the grand scheme of things, yes, I'm a little overweight and yes, I would look "better" a bit trimmed down. But it's really not that bad. I don't think I'm obese. I just happen to wear a size 14 instead of a 10.

Also, this indicates a preference for a specific physical body type which is perhaps problematic. I know that my whole life I've been sold the story that a thinner, leaner body is what we should aim for but does that mean that we should necessarily  reject our curves, extra layers, or that if we fall outside of that category of a desired physical state that we're suddenly unattractive?

Seeking attraction definitely has to do with how I feel about my search for a partner. Julie asked me an important question yesterday--what am I after? What am I chasing?

She was referring to the young men that I'm messing around with and honestly, that's a good question.  What am I after?  I think perhaps part of the chase is having them validate my attraction or my sexual abilities.  Jacob did this a lot for me when we were together but now I'm seeking other confirmation. And seeking for folks to be attracted to my sexuality. Jimmy, Joe, and yes, still Jacob. I guess this is something that's gotten away from me. Because I can recognize and personally validate my own sexuality and recognize that it's a powerful thing and that I am sexually desirable and attractive. I don't need men (or boys) to validate that for me. But I still seek it. Like I need to have them treat me like I'm attractive or describe or show how desirable I am so that I know it's true. When honestly, I should just know it's true.

Are there ways of getting to the validation/affirmation of ourselves without needing others that builds strength and what I suppose would look like a foundation of love for ourselves?

Perhaps this is part of the search. What would demonstrating love for myself look like?

Since I've been talking about this this morning with Matt, I also mentioned validation of intelligence, innovation, and inspiration. Also, we want to know that we can support others.

No Doubt, there is a lunar eclipse this Saturday!

Starting a New Year Looking In

I've decided--this upcoming year will not be spent looking for a partner, or necessarily indulging in simple sexual relationships that don't lead to much.  Instead, it will be focused on growth.  

How much can I grow in a year?  This is a challenge I've never taken on and it will warrant me looking inward and thinking about what my goals are and make me a better person. As far as I can see right now there are a couple of categories that I'm likely to focus on: 

Intellectual/Academic: This will include seeking individual development via self or peer education including book clubs, studying for the GREs, taking new classes (BRJA), workshops through the free school or pursuing a craft that I've never pursued before.

I also want to apply to graduate programs. I'm tired of the same old, same old and honestly I'm not quite sure I'm going to get/interested in getting without a Masters' degree.  I need a little bit more and I'm ready to move things forward  and take on new things.  So, I want to research and apply to Masters Programs that have to offer what I'm interested in pursuing. This will be a new turn for me and a risk to take, but I think a worthy one. 

Physical: I'm looking to up the ante with how I feel physically.  I want to do more yoga, rock climb more, do more swimming, run more.  I think that being at my best physically will definitely help me mentally and feel like I'm moving towards my goals. It will also give me extra energy to do so.  

Goals: Yoga 3 times a week; Running once a week; Swimming 2 days a week; Rock Climb whenever possible but at least once every two weeks.

Professional: I want to take on or create some new initiatives at work.  It's pretty important to me that I stay motivated at what I'm doing and am able to move things forward.  I want to look forward to work.  I want to feel like I'm making progress.

Spiritual: This is a part of my life that I feel like I've placed much more importance on in the past and I'm ready to re-initiative efforts.  This includes spiritual reading, developing a daily practice, weekly/bi-weekly meditation, and monthly meetings with elders and spiritual advisers.  I'd also like to go to Wisdom Path Healing Center more for acupuncture and advice on spiritual advancement.  I think the regular yoga practice will help but will not completely make up my practice. 

Financial: I would definitely like to be more financially stable.  As such I think I'm going to go on a non-spending spree.  I'm going to see how frugal I can be in the month of January and how little money I can spend. I think it'll be a good test of seeing how much I can save while still having fun.  

So this is my challenge: Have fun, get in shape, study for the GREs, read books, start new crafts, meditate, take on new projects at work and save money.  It's all going to be one step at a time but hopefully this time looking inward will help with everything else.

We'll see how January goes and then hopefully move on to February. One step at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time.  And soon enough it will be done!